My So Called Gay Black Southern Life

Ok, so more than one person has told me that they live their lives through me. I think that is a funny, funny thing. Maybe its not such a good thing but I think it is. I definately like to keep things interesting for myself. I hosted my first adult toy party a few nights ago. Needless to say, it was a HUGE success! About 10 people showed up and we all fit perfectly in my living room. The crowd was pretty mixed, girls, guys, straight, gay and all in between. Coversation was good, and the liquor poured freely (except for me not having a corkscrew to open the wine). At least that is what a phillips head screwdriver is for…what can I say, I live in TN and we are a resourceful people! By th eend of the night, we were all pretty tipsy and doing line dances in my living room and singing the latest country tunes at the top of our lungs. Afterwards we made it out to a local trashy gay bar called the Chute. Yeah, as in Poop Chute..Hahaha, how clever! It ended well and I came home to my new roomie who was passed out on the couch. I tell you, that situation is sort of weird for me with him there. Not really in a bad way but more of in an, I don’t know who you are and you’re living with me” kind of way. He for sure has his quirks. His girlfriend whom he refers to as “Woman” just broke it off with him and he is devastated. He is convinced its because he is being punished for not attending church since he moved to Nashville. Of course it couldn’t be the fact that he refers to her as his property, woman, etc. That has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the breakup at ALL! He has started asking me to spend time with him and rub his back now, both of which I decline to do on a daily basis. I am just not this for a new friend or sex partner. This is merely a money making opportunity for me so I do not want to mess things up so I try to stay distant from him. I think I may warm up to him later, who knows..we’ll have to see. Oh well, by the way, things are going still with Frat boy Steven Todd. I ate dinner with him on Sat. night and he came over on Sunday with cheese dip and we had a good time He’s started calling me more now and opening up a little so thats good. He also told me that his best friend was getting jealous because he has been spending more time with me. He is soo cute, anyway. I am totally whipped, more than I want anyone to know. its scary. I have to go now!

Who would have thought? Me, dirt, tools? I tell you, this home ownership thing has made me a changed man. I woke up early this morning and cleaned out my flower bed in the front yard and went to town. It’s still a little naked but it looks better than the mound of weeds that were up there prior. Today is a ho-hum kind of day for me with lots to think about. I have been going through fits of laughter, sadness, and everything in between these last few days. I think what it boils down to is my lack of being satisfied. I know, who is ever truly satisfied and content with what they have? I still think back about the good old college days. I had plenty of “pajama friends”. You know, friends you just chill out with and have a good time doing nothing with. The kind that you can laugh with, lay with and watch TV and even at times get dressed up with and hit the town. I don’t really have that anymore with anyone here and it makes me sad. I have tried to get on that level with people but I guess I get more “guarded” as I get older as does everyone else. What a pain. I guess its the same way with “looking” for a relationship. It will not happen as long as you are actively pursuing it so I’ll give it more time. That’s really all I have. Speaking of relationships, this thing with the frat dude has got to stop. I really don’t think he is into me at all so I need to stop kidding myself and try to salvage some sort of friendship from it. He is just so weird around me, hot then cold. Like last night, he called me a few times during the day and we ended up going out to dinner. He was DRESSED and looked great! We went to a local Mexican restaurant and as I parked he got drinks for us inside. We ate and stumbled through conversation. He didn’t really seem to be there in the moment and that made me uncomfortable. He was also acting wierd, putting food on my plate with his hands and fingers and eating off my plate and putting his food on mine with his fingers, all very odd for a 34 yr old to be doing this. It was cute though and we did laugh alot. Afterwards, I went back to his house and he said he was going to bed so I left. It’s just weird. I’m not used to that and can’t read it so I give up. Maybe it’ll ease up as we get to know more about each other but how do we do that seeing each other one day a week? Oh well. gotta take the dogs to the park.

Ok, so I am crazy and need some serious therapy. All of my friends will tell you that but now I really realize it myself. It’s all about patterns, ya know? Everyone has a certain pattern they follow in life. It helps them cope, gives them an agenda to follow, it makes them feel comfortable. I don’t know why I am so hung up on this boy that I can’t think straight. It’s part of the way that I deal with and process men. I meet them and if I find some good quality, I obsess on it and immediately skip the whole “get-t-know-you thing and go straight for the sex then I am hooked and it never works out because who really ends up with someone that was first introduced as a sex partner? It just doesn’t work that way, at least not that I have seen. So for the last few days I have consulted friend after friend, tarot cards and even signed up to a daily horoscope reading to get insight into how this guy feels about me. I know what you’re saying, “How the HELL can a computer generated set of cards tell you what you need to know”. Trust me, I tell myself that too and in my right mind I know but I keep doing it, waiting to see “YES HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU”. Not gonna happen. So now is the time that I do what an old good friend said years back. “Pick your face up and walk away”. So, I am now bending over and picking up my pretty little face and walking..far, far away. Well, to the gym at least for now then maybe work, but you get what I’m saying. I am just going to look at this thing with the eyes of friendship and try to let things run its natural course. Hey, that’s something my all knowing best friend Shannon told me about this anyways. Just throw it in the air and let the Fates deal with it. So, with my face securely in my hand, I am packing my gym bag and going to work out! Hmm, oddly I feel better.

Can’t these stupid boys take a hint? If I were interested in them I would have made it known by now, at least on some level. This whole Internet thing can sometimes be a bit overrated. Sure, it brings people together, bridges gaps, yadaa yadda yadda but it can also be a breeding ground for IM stalkers. You know the type, the ones, sitting at their desk waiting for a certain someone to log on only for them to bombard them with unwanted instant messages. Today has been a bad day for me with that. Some random dude keeps asking me to meet up with him and giving me his number and tells me that I have not shwon any intesrest in him but he keeps going with it. I have told him nicely, bluntly and plain just blocked his screen name but he changes it and will not leave me alone. What a crazy!!! Anyways, today is a rainy day and I guess it has put me in a pissy mood. That and the fact that I am slightly hungover from last night’s partying. I ended up going out with the other sluts and whores from my job. We went to a local bar near work and had a few drinks. I ended up getting several lap dances from the straight bartender that I trained as well as his soft lips grazing mine. Needless to say, it was more than hot. We rubbed and groped and kneaded and pulled for hours. It was a virtual orgy with clothes on. Girls on girls, boys on boys, girls on boys, wel..you get the point. See, THAT is why is stay to myself and obesses about my dogs. I know what trouble I can and will get myself into if put into that situation so I try to steer clear but had to give in last night. It was great, got the blood pumping so to speak but I must chill it out and stay on the path that I’m on. God, I sound like an alcoholic fresh out of a 12 step program. At any rate, lots of hot things going on forme right now. The tarot predicts good things for me in the future but I have to resist temptation. Hey, there is something to be said for the tarot. Well, I am out of here, have to move stuff downstairs to make room for the new roomie. I think he is coming by today after he eats lunch with his “woman”…at least that how he refers to her. Ok, so thats perhaps the only unbearable thing about him so far. I mean, who calls their significant other “Woman” in 2005? Hmmm..sounds a bit cheesy and sexist if you ask me. Maybe the more reason the poor boy is really a homosexual. Ta Ta For Now!

OK, so, as my best friends will tell you, when I get on a kick with something, I really get into it. The latest thing for me is the band Sugarland. Yep, they are a fairly new country trio whose story is incredible, almost as good as their music. It’s real music and really alot of people can identify with their lyrics plus the lead singer (female) had some incredible pipes!!! You should check ‘em out. So, its now been about 2 months since moving into my house. I am loving every minute of it. I really thought that I would be lonely and cry lots after leaving the ex bf but really non of that has happened. I did cry once since being here but it was because I was so excited for what I have accomplished. Good crying is always a good thing. I am finally getting settled in and starting my new life. Since last entry I have gotten one of my old dogs back from the ex’s parents. Her name is Nala and she is a lab/something mix and is GORGEOUS!!! I was sooo happy when I got her and feel more complete in a weird canine way now that she is back. So that puts me up to two dogs (Bunny and Nala) and 2 cats (Puffy and Ani). Man, thats a full house but I would not have it any other way. Things at work are still ok. I am now their Trainer for all people that come into contact with the guests. It is working out for me and gives me some sense of purpose now rather than selling BBQ. Makes me sleep better at night. I am also getting a roomie that is moving in next week sometime. He is the first straight guy that I will have lived with. To be honest, I am really excited about this b/c of the experience. He even comes with a dog and a girlfriend (not living with me though) so this should be very interesting plus it will help on the bills a bit. I’ll keep you posted on thing with that situation as it may get interesting since he is somewhat near the end of that relationship and seems a bit no so straight. I am not going to have sex with him but I never said I wouldn’t hook him up with some buddies. Also, for the last month I have been hanging out with a cool guy named Steven Todd. His is a 34 yr old ex frat dude from OKC and is incredibly nice, genuine and HOT, not to mention his private bits are tasty! YUMMMMMY. Well, I gotta get back to this cleaning thing. You know, I am a Virgo and must clean obsessively.

What the hell? Where has the time gone? I can’t believe that so much time has passed since my last entry. Well, let’s give a quick update to the many things that have happened. Shortly after the Holiday Season I broke it off with Fetus Boy because of a little smothering, plus I am in a whole other place than he is right now and that was getting old fast…I went on the a nice guy my age and things were cool until he “heard through the grapevine” that I was emotionally unavailable which prompted him to run off. Can’t say I blame him but, hey, don’t you think a guy that STILL lives with his ex of nearly 5 yrs and washes his underwear would have some emotional issues? Come on guy, get a clue! Not that I pride myself on my emotional problems but at the very least I do admit to them. Tomorrow is the big day for me. In time that I have not written I went out and bought a house of my own and tomorrow is the move in day. I’ve been looking forward to this for quite some time now and its finally here. I went out shopping today for a few bits of furniture and maybe some curtains since I have a bed, 2 cats and a dog to my name. It was fun and a bit scary. I had a moment today and cried while packing. I can see the end of this old life and starting something new, away from HIM. I can’t lie, it makes me sad and overjoyed at the same time, sort of that feeling of graduating high school and moving away to college. Bittersweet. I have no doubts that this is the right thing and I can only grow from this experience. At any rate, I am going to go take care of some last minute things here but promise to write back later this week after the move!!

What is it with so called heterosexual men? My friends always joke with me about my pheremones and what they seem to do to guys who think they are straight. Now, I don’t necessarily believe that you can “convert” and straight guy into a bi or gay one but that shit seems to happen to me alot. They always drop the lame lilne of “you just make me feel at ease” or some other lame crap like that. Like I am supposed to feel all fluttery in my chest and drop to my knees..Well, can’t lie, it usually does go something like that…hehehe..but not always so don’t too bad of me. For the past few weeks this guy at work has really been trying to “work” me…in a most obvious way. He is a chef and I part of my job requires that I check in with the chefs on various orders. Lately when I go down to speak to him he will throw out some random sexual comment about the “special sauce” he has for me or bend over in front of me and talk about his “assets”. I usually joke back with him b/c I am and have always been a flirty kind of guy. Last night he must have been feeling extra gutsy or just plain horny. I called for the Exec. Chef on radio but the guy answered saying the Chef was gone and that “he was the only one I’ve got”. I asked him my question and he asked where I was in the building. About 30 minutes later he pops up in the office that I was in. He starts talking and thats when I tell him about Fetus..He said, “Well how about you take care of some 24 year old too”…I tried to act cool but inside my head was crazy!!! My face got hot and turned red and ears were on FIRE!!! Could not believe this was happening at work with me looking and smelling like buffet food..Nasty!!! I played off what he said and he then asks if there was a camera in the room and takes his pants down and shows me his new holiday boxers..I freaked, heart beating faster every minute. All the time thinking, “What should I do?” “What about Fetus?”, “What about work, getting fired, etc..” Crazy mad rushes everywhere. I did end up being good and telling him I had to run and check on my people. He led the way out of the office but before opening the door he bent over and stuck his but against my “Danger Zone” and I jumped back..Not gonna lie, I was totally turned on but overall that would not have been worth everything that could have happened..Geez, gotta love my pheremones….

Is that the title of a Kenny Chesney song? Kinda scary that I would know that. Anyway, I am officially not on vacation anymore, went back to work yesterday. To be honest, I didn’t know if my truck would let me park in the lot for work or just drive itself on by. I should have chosen the latter..the minute I walked in to the place the smell of pork and beer filled the air. And after hours of hanging Christmas decorations in the freezing rain and kissing VVVIP ass my shackles were opened and I was set free for the next two days. Thank God! Maybe now I can really pound the pavement and find a quick replacement. Before work the Fetus called me to see if I’d go out to a local bar with him, his friend and her mother. Weird combo, if you ask me. I decided to go and quickly changed after work and met him down there. Now I hate to sound like some older timer but when I was his age that particular club was THE place to go but the last year or so has been rough on the ole girl…With the addition of a new “gay district” in Nashville, which consists of 1 bookstore and 3 clubs, the attendance at my old stompin’ grounds has more than dwindled. Even so, it still had that “something” that made me stand in line every weekend in college just to get in. So we sat down and watched a pretty decent drag show..I only knew two of the faces on the stage (one of which used to run lights for the show) while the rest were new. Not a bad show overall..The mom and daughter combo drank in excess while the fetus and I shot the shit. I ended up taking him home..Odd story there: He lives next door to a house that I wanted to buy a few years back..How weird..Anyways, not so sure why I am up so early, going back to bed…will write later..

 

Now, if that title does not spark your interest then something truly must be wrong with you. Just wehn you think that life has thrown you just about everything up its sneaky sleeve, She spins your head around more than before. The latest “spin” from Good Ole Life came in the form of this young guy I met. For all intents and purposes I shall refer to him as “The Fetus” or maybe even “F” for short…I refer to him as the Fetus because he is quite a bit younger than me, myself being 28 and him a mere 20 years young. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not one to look down at those who decided to date outside of their age group. Hell, I went on a date with a 56 year old man a few weeks back (needless to say, that one didn’t really work out). I do believe “to each his own” and all that crap. This chance meeting took place where so many do these days…The Internet! Yes, I met a fetus in a local chat on a popular gay chat site. I had seen him online before but never thought to speak to him due to the difference in age, however, on this particular day he made the first move. We chatted for about an hour or so and he ended up giving me his number (something that normally would freak me out for happening so quickly). I ended up meeting him at his place of work for a brief moment only to realize that he was indeed 20 yrs old, facial features still unformed, webbed fingers, toes and a tail…No, kidding, he was a cute kid, I thought…Kid being the word of choice. At any rate we talked on the phone that night and the next day. I kept my “Great Wall of China” around me the whole time. After a day of dodging his phonecalls, IMs and emails, I finally responded to his request to meet him at his former Art school with his friend. He met me at the door and I thought that he was still a cute kid and that I would stay for a few minutes and jet out but something inside let go and gave the guy a chance. I ended up having the time of my life and really liking him. Kind of odd for me, especially since I have worked so hard to push people away the last few months. So we’ll see where this all goes. He did make the first move and kiss me. It was awkward, but very nice in that “first awkward kiss” sorta way. Nice and innocent. So there, a fetus has made me actually smile for real. Who would have thought? I’ll keep you posted on the happenings. Well, gotta get packed..going to my best friend’s place out of town for the holiday. I made cornbread dressing from scratch..yummm…at least one of the kids got the cooking gene from Mom (and it had to be the son…) Come to think of it, my big sis did get the woodworking gene from Dad..Enough said..talk at cha later!

 

So I am on vacation. It’s about damned time! Cannot believe I have a full week away from pulled pork and country line dancing, a combination to make even the most die hard Western enthusiast get sick. Over the last few months months I have really grown to hate my job and most of the people there but hey, who doesn’t, right? My feelings about my job plus the fact that I was working 13 hour days consistently was enough to put me in the hospital a little over a week ago. Nothing too bad, just tonsilitus, an ear infection and mouth ulcers. Thanks to Lortabs, sleep and antibiotics (which make your body do aweful things), I am the free spirited, fun loving person I have always been. Hahahaha (couldn’t help myself). One great thing that being sick gave me the chance to do was to update my resume and put it online. I now have a host of interviews set up during my vacation. This is definitely a good thing. I thought the 9-5 lifestyle was not for me but quickly realized that I had a good thing when I had it and plan to get back to that, hopefully making more money. So now I’m sitting at home cleaning before my workout and playtime with friends. Of course the evil ex did not come home last night from the bars. A word of advice to anyone out there…When you break up with your significant other, DO NOT think that you two can still live together and be friends. I was in so much denial on so many levels about my relationship with him that I thought we could do just that. Of course, for him, he was able to make that transition quickly and move onto find someone else and a new identity. Things are different with me. I have always been “me” and like to face my problems and make a better self, constantly evolve. So you can imagine right now what I am dealing with..thoughts of a failed 4+ yr relationship and trying to keep on the “path” and improve myself. Its hard to improve yourself when you feel “damaged”. Don’t get me wrong, my life has not ended since the breakup but alot of my feelings were validated after the fact, seeing his patterns with the new people he meets. Its almost like a mirror of the way things were when we met. It just makes me feel that our moment was not “special”. That sounds crazy but its how I feel. But, watching this go on makes me feel sorry for him and that makes me sad that he just doesn’t see his patterns and doesn’t strive to be himself or better himself. Anyways, thats just been on my mind alot lately but I don’t want to talk about it with people b/c I was the one who broke it off so I should not be the one so upset, right? LOL. Yeah, that’s what I hear, not so sure that’s how it goes though..Anyways, off to the gym..gotta keep things up!