My So Called Gay Black Southern Life

Man, I have a new obsession! It’s the semi new musical, “Wicked” on Broadway. Its a pretty cool premise: The story of the two witches from “The Wizard of Oz”. It shows them as young girls in magic school and they were friends in the beginning but shows how they progressed to be who they were destined to be, one evil and one good. I randomly downloaded a song from the show to play on my radio show last Sunday. Its called “Defying Gravity”. From what I can tell its the pivotal point in the story where Elphaba (The Wicked  of the West) decides to “defy gravity” and turn evil. Its so funny how much meaning I can get from a silly musical. Its so funny to me because I am sort of in the spot right now where I can choose to let this stuff get me down and turn “evil” or be strong and survive it. I know, it sounds silly but thats how I think about things. At any rate, I would LOVE to go see this show in the future sometime, it looks to be quite good. Well, I am off to lay down and nurse my hangover. I went out last night with Frat Boy’s best friend and got TRASHED and puked all day, yeah, even at work. Man, never mix a hangover with the smell of smoking pork. NOT GOOD. Oh well, I learned my lesson..

Not so bad right now. I think the last trip frommy best friend helped me more than I thought. I forgot that you can choose to be sad or happy. Its all in how you deal with it. I had a momentary lack of thinking for a few weeks. Hell, most people don’t ever get out of that so I a few weeks is ok, I guess. Looking at things, I really do like the way my life is right now. Sure, I could use more pajama friends but that will come with time. I CAN be choosy with whom I let in my life, afterall, its MINE so I should be careful and thats ok. I’m glad that I coming back into my own….Things at the gym are going well. I am still there about 5 days a week or so. I am starting to make “gym friends” and we meet up for classes and do situps together and stuff, its fun and makes me happy. It makes going to the gym that much easier, well, that and the fact that there are dozens of naked men walking round the locker room talking about manly things with tehir dicks swinging. I still think thats weird, even for me. I guess that I just have never been comfortable with my own nudity and now I am seeing everyone elses. I AM getting over that though and even love the group shower in a nasty sort of way. Well, things at work are ok. We are getting a new computer system and have been in lots of training for the last few weeks. I am quickly realizing that most of our “leaders” at work are incompetant morons and that I have to step up to the plate if anything is going to get done. Its still so funny  to me that they are so amazed at what I do at work when I really actually slack (in my opinion). I know I could work harder but when you see everyone else with a no care attitude it makes you feel like “What can I do alone?”. So I do what is expected a maybe a bit more and everyone acts like I hung the moon. Its funny. If they knew what I was really capable of I guess they would have a heart attack and die but I’ll hold off on doing that. I’m trying to make this radio thing work for me..Well, gotta run and get ready for work!

Yeah, so I pretty much have a general disgust for people right now. Not everyone but most people. I just look at so many people and its like they are speaking another language. Do they not know whats going on? Can they not see? I know I sound crazy but I feel like the eyeglasses of life have been removed and I can see things for how they are. So many people do not want to accept their feelings, their lives, the truth and it makes me sick. I used to be able to smile and get past that but it is something that makes me ill right now. Sometimes I just want to scream, scream loudly. Maybe that will make me feel better. I sometimes feel crazy like a caged animal and can’t explain it. I really hope that I get through whatever it is this is. I just want to be left alone, yo uknow, Get back down to the basics of life and strt rebuilding. I saw the ex, Justin a few days ago. He gave me a book to look at for work to help me with my training ideas. He couldn’t even look at me. He pretty much threw the book at me and walked away. It was sad for both of us I think. I haven’t told anyone about it because we don’t need to be in contact and I am not in the mood to be preached at right now. He noticed that I have lost lots of weight. Not that it means much but he noticed. Ughh, anyway, not going down that road again. I was stupid to do it the first time.

So I am having a hard time concentrating these days. My best friend/future wife Shannon tells me that I am going into whatever kind of funk she recently escaped from. I have no motivation with regard to work or much else - sorta of feeling zombie like for the most part. Its not to say that I depressed but I just feel weird. Thats as best as I can describe it. I want to hang out with people but I am not satisfied with my current options..Thats too funny. As far as things go with th efrat boy, he is just plain ole weird and I am really thinking those feelings have about run their course. I hung out with him yesterday and realized that I don’t like the way that he responds to his emotional issues. He is sort of spastic and childlike…NOT in a good way and he is way to passive aggresive for my liking. I think I’m overdue for meeting people like I did back in the college days. It was so much easier then, perhaps because our “walls” were not so high. Who knows..? All I know is that I miss having someone close by to call up and go out hang out with comfortably, with nothing to hide. Everyone here is someone that I have either wanted to sleep with, have slept with or they want to sleep with me and all of that gets in the way of a truly relaxing, good time. Thats usually why I am friends with girls and not guys but for some reason have alot of guy friends at the moment. I MISS my girls!! Anyways..I had my first radio broadcast yesterday and it looks like this could lead to some good things for me. I am now trying to focus on getting the show off the ground and promoting it as best as I can. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best because I am really suited for entertaining people and hope that can get me a real gig somewhere down the line. Well, I better get ready for the gym, its gonna be a busy day.