My So Called Gay Black Southern Life

Haven’t written in a few days. Things have been so hectic and my head has been spinninng trying to make sense of the things I did last Friday night. Luckily Boy #3 did not think I was too crazy because we are hanging out today (as friends, of course). Not really sure what we’ll be doing but I am sure that it will be fun. Things are just easy with him and I like that. Since I got out of my 4.5 yr relationship I feel like one of those women from those Lifetime Movie Dramas. You know, the one who was abused for years and is somewhat like an abused animal. I am not saying that I was physically abused or anything like that but I was in a totally unhealthy environment during that time. Lots of cheating, LOTS of cheating, I mean finding his personal ads on the Internet, him kissing boys at the club while I was in the restroom and even a longterm email relatioship in which he tol dthe guy that when he held me it was him he was thinking about. I guess that tore me down more than I ever thought that it could. I just don’t trust like I used to, I mean, who really does, the world can be crappy and you have to watch your back. But now that I am back in the dating pool, I am like the stray cat that hisses at anyone who comes to pick it up. I may even let someone “pick me up” for a minute but then I’ll “scratch” them and run away. I have been told by many people lately that I have the “Great Wall of China” around me. I guess that I do and I am trying to work on it but it is hard. Really thinking about the therapy thing. Hell, everyone these days have therapists so that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I guess that being raised in a Black Southern family, I just don’t believe in that. I am all about others doing it but we were raised to work through our problems ourselves and not rely on that. I am my own person but those things that were put in your head as a kid are hard to get rid of..Anyway, gonna go shower and get ready to meet Boy #3.