My So Called Gay Black Southern Life

Haven’t written in a few days. Things have been so hectic and my head has been spinninng trying to make sense of the things I did last Friday night. Luckily Boy #3 did not think I was too crazy because we are hanging out today (as friends, of course). Not really sure what we’ll be doing but I am sure that it will be fun. Things are just easy with him and I like that. Since I got out of my 4.5 yr relationship I feel like one of those women from those Lifetime Movie Dramas. You know, the one who was abused for years and is somewhat like an abused animal. I am not saying that I was physically abused or anything like that but I was in a totally unhealthy environment during that time. Lots of cheating, LOTS of cheating, I mean finding his personal ads on the Internet, him kissing boys at the club while I was in the restroom and even a longterm email relatioship in which he tol dthe guy that when he held me it was him he was thinking about. I guess that tore me down more than I ever thought that it could. I just don’t trust like I used to, I mean, who really does, the world can be crappy and you have to watch your back. But now that I am back in the dating pool, I am like the stray cat that hisses at anyone who comes to pick it up. I may even let someone “pick me up” for a minute but then I’ll “scratch” them and run away. I have been told by many people lately that I have the “Great Wall of China” around me. I guess that I do and I am trying to work on it but it is hard. Really thinking about the therapy thing. Hell, everyone these days have therapists so that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I guess that being raised in a Black Southern family, I just don’t believe in that. I am all about others doing it but we were raised to work through our problems ourselves and not rely on that. I am my own person but those things that were put in your head as a kid are hard to get rid of..Anyway, gonna go shower and get ready to meet Boy #3.

First off, I must say that my birthday was one of the best ever. All of the appropriate people remmered and I even got a nice surprise cake at work. I was supposed to go out to dance later that night with this guy who I had met a few weeks earlier. When I met him I was on boyfriend #2 after a 5 year stint had ended with boyfriend #1. I was slightly attracted to this new friend but did not act on it in any way, besides, things were quite nice with boy #2. To make a long story short, things quickly turned sour with boy #2, partly due to insecurities on both of our sides coupled with the fact that we both are somewhat spoiled human beings and can be hard to handle. I finally ended the thing with boy #2 and went out the next day with the new boy, Bowe. Not really sure if he was interested, I played it cool trying to figure out where things stood. We had a great time, taking a tour of an historic mansion here in Nashville followed by lunch and watching the telly on his couch. There was lots of light touches, you know, the kind where your arms may touch or legs are touching. It was nice, sweet and innocent. We later went to church that night and had a great time. After work on my birthday I met up with him , went grocery shopping and went back to his place to cook dinner and drink a bit before heading out. Things felt nice and comfortable and complements were all over the place, as well as the occasional hug or touch here and there. Dinner and coversation were great, listening to nice music. We got to know each other more and had a nice and easy time. We made it to the club and things quickly went down from there…I started thinking about how I dumped Boy #1 and how I started dating #2 and dumped him in 3 months and figured that I did not want to screw up a chance at staying on good terms with #3. I spotted a cute man nearby and proceeded to encourage #3 to get his number and get to know him. He looked at me like I was crazy but with some prodding I got the two boys together and they hit it off and ended up going off to make out, leaving me alone. Talk about an odd situation that I put myself in. Not sure why I did it but what is done is done I guess. I am thinking that I need some time to really look at things and all why I am afraid to be alone. Hmm, sounds crazy I know but what’s a boy to do????

So this Blog thing is much more intimidating than it seems. I mean, who really is going to sit and read the happenings in a random person’s life? I admit that I find it almost as fascinating as reality television. At least here the people seem to emote in a more realistic way. So, today is my 28th birthday and I am sitting here in my apt. listening to my mix of Gretchen Wilson, Oleta Adams and Britney Spears. That says alot about who I am. I am just a mixed up jumbled person these days..who am I kidding, all of my life. It keeps me (and others) entertained though. Besides the music, I am getting ready for work at 10. I work at the Wildhorse Saloon here in Nashville. Yes, a big gay, black man working at a world famous honky tonk joint, even more odd. Work there is fun, stressful and greasy, very greasy. Never work at a place that specializes in BBQ pork products and burgers if you have naturally oily skin, not especially the best combination of things. At least I feel “moisturized” at the end of the day. By the way, if you plan on reading about my life you will have to excuse my spelling. The longer I am out of school is the worse my spelling and grammar get so I apologize upfront. I guess I am going to go wash last night’s grease from my body to leave room for today’s. Hopefully I’ll be going out tonight for a little dancing, maybe some free drinks and possibly some boy kissing or something. I do have a love intrest or two. Can’t fully decide but let’s hope that at least on eof them is free tonight to celebrate my birth with me and Jack Daniels. It’s the Tennessee way to do things. Oh well. Stayed tuned for the next edition.