My So Called Gay Black Southern Life

Ok, so Luis sent me two text messages tonight but I need time to respond. I need to get ahold of myself and not let someone have that much power over me to make me upset. I know its totally issues with me and abandonment and I am aware and will work on that. It is getting better though..So, tonight I went to a party that an acquiantance from work threw. I actually went once, came home, then went back. I should have stayed at home all together. It was just a room full of people running from their problems and using alcohol/ drugs as a vehicle. Don’t get me wrong, I get drunk as much as the next guy and sometimes do an occasional drug, but for the most part, I try to face reality head on. No matter how painful it is. It just gets old sometimes to see the same faces, with teh same struggles, especially when they are not dealing with the problems to fix them. I dunno. tonight was just an annoying night. Anywhoo, I am going to go to bed. I have a long day of work and the gym tomorrow. Maybe I will send Luis a text back, who knows..May take some time to get back to me.

Wow. I hope that title is not offensive to anyone but its pretty much straight to the point. Latino Drama….I met this kid, Luis, about  a month and a half ago. And, by kid I mean 24 going on 25.  I was browsing the local guys on a gay site and came across his picture. I was taken aback by his smokey eyes, dark browns and full lips. Of course with a guy this hot, I would have no chance in hell so I did what anyone with low self-esteem would do…I sent him a quick message saying hello and asking how he was. That’s where it all began…He replied as soon as he got the message and we began to stumble through a dialogue over the next few days. He asked me to hang out and we agreed to go to a movie. He gave me his number and he decided on a movie a few days later.  To make a long story short, he showed up 45 minutes late, saying he was at dinner with friends and spoke little English. I was pissed and left him standing in the parking lot. We talked the next day and he apologized and we set up another few dates, which he would later cancel. I asked hiim why he kept cancelling then texting me asking me to hang out and basically he said he had a DUI and could not drive, was not out and lived with his folks. I should have taken that as a bad sign but I kept ahead..So, now, after a month of dating and letting “walls” down, we had been inseparable. talking and texting daily and seeing each other 5-6 days a week. He finally spent the night after a month of dating and we had great conversation, he told me he was confused because he had planned to move to TX in ‘08 but that now he didn’t know what to do. He also had previously said that he planned to spend a week in Austin for his bday and see family and old friends. I, of course, suspected that he may have had a guy down there but let that crazy feeling go and try to work on my trust issues…Well, after a month of seeing each other and getting close, I was surprised when I called him and he tol dme that he decided to visit TX. and would be there anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks! And, to make things better, he “joked” about possibly visiting California next month! I am hurt because I thought he was really into but he must not be because he just up and left and didn’t tell me anything about it. He told me to call him “anytime” but I feel like its not my place to do that. I feel that he should call me as well. He never had a problem of doing that here in town but, for some reason, has not been able to call me once to say hey (in the last 4 days). I deleted his number. I just should have realized he was a flake and never let my walls down. This sucks!

Living in the gay life is so weird. I think of it very much like they portray a vampire’s life in the movies. They are cursed with being a vampire yet they must live in a mortal world, concealing the thruth about who they are, what they do. They float between these two truths..the truth of their world, and the truth of the mortal world. Sometimes the lines between these two worlds blurs and it makes me laugh. So many of my straight friends think that I make things up about what we do and experience and how  often some from the straight world try and cross over to ours. This happened again tonight and I can tell that I have matured. I laughed to myself when I recognized the signs and chose not to act on what used to be second nature to me. I didn’t give in. I took the guy home, despite his subtle “offering”. I feel good about my decision to drop him off with his wife and child rather than do be a vehichle for his explorations in my world. These things happen often, alot more often than one would like to think. I used to get caught up in it and watched as it sucked away from myself. Everytime, a little bit more til almost nothing was left. But, now, I sit here confident that I can refuse if I so chose so…and that is my choice.

So I guess people write blogs for different reasons. Some may be upset which inspires them to write while, I guess, some people use this as a form to work through things in their life. Either way, they are very theraputic. Now, I had having an affair, writing blogs  and posting them on my Myspace account but I stopped some time ago. I like the annonimity of using this site vs. Myspace. There are things I like to write and thoughts I have that I would not necessarily want everyone who knew me to know I had. So I guess you can expect to see more posts from me on this site. Besides, the whole Myspace thing has gotten way out of control. Its so funny how the positioning of your top 8 can ruin friendships and cause so much strife…Its really silly. So, anyway, since my last post I have ssttled in my house and love it to pieces. It’s looking good and it feels like home to me..And most of all, its MINE, ALL MINE!! (Insert evil laugh). For the most part, I have worked through the major issues dealing with my ex and there have been a few ex’s since him as well…None really on a serious note like the first though. So here I sit with Bunny the chihuahua and Luci (my grey kitty). We are about to head to bed since I work in 9 hours. I am still at the Wildhorse and have (since my last post in 95) successully demoted myself from Banquet Captain to Trainer to Server. It sounds crazy but I am making more money, working less hours PLUS I can truly say I leave it all behind (when I chose to) when I leave work. Things are looking up. Well, I should be wrting more soon so keep checking back.

Man, I have a new obsession! It’s the semi new musical, “Wicked” on Broadway. Its a pretty cool premise: The story of the two witches from “The Wizard of Oz”. It shows them as young girls in magic school and they were friends in the beginning but shows how they progressed to be who they were destined to be, one evil and one good. I randomly downloaded a song from the show to play on my radio show last Sunday. Its called “Defying Gravity”. From what I can tell its the pivotal point in the story where Elphaba (The Wicked  of the West) decides to “defy gravity” and turn evil. Its so funny how much meaning I can get from a silly musical. Its so funny to me because I am sort of in the spot right now where I can choose to let this stuff get me down and turn “evil” or be strong and survive it. I know, it sounds silly but thats how I think about things. At any rate, I would LOVE to go see this show in the future sometime, it looks to be quite good. Well, I am off to lay down and nurse my hangover. I went out last night with Frat Boy’s best friend and got TRASHED and puked all day, yeah, even at work. Man, never mix a hangover with the smell of smoking pork. NOT GOOD. Oh well, I learned my lesson..

Not so bad right now. I think the last trip frommy best friend helped me more than I thought. I forgot that you can choose to be sad or happy. Its all in how you deal with it. I had a momentary lack of thinking for a few weeks. Hell, most people don’t ever get out of that so I a few weeks is ok, I guess. Looking at things, I really do like the way my life is right now. Sure, I could use more pajama friends but that will come with time. I CAN be choosy with whom I let in my life, afterall, its MINE so I should be careful and thats ok. I’m glad that I coming back into my own….Things at the gym are going well. I am still there about 5 days a week or so. I am starting to make “gym friends” and we meet up for classes and do situps together and stuff, its fun and makes me happy. It makes going to the gym that much easier, well, that and the fact that there are dozens of naked men walking round the locker room talking about manly things with tehir dicks swinging. I still think thats weird, even for me. I guess that I just have never been comfortable with my own nudity and now I am seeing everyone elses. I AM getting over that though and even love the group shower in a nasty sort of way. Well, things at work are ok. We are getting a new computer system and have been in lots of training for the last few weeks. I am quickly realizing that most of our “leaders” at work are incompetant morons and that I have to step up to the plate if anything is going to get done. Its still so funny  to me that they are so amazed at what I do at work when I really actually slack (in my opinion). I know I could work harder but when you see everyone else with a no care attitude it makes you feel like “What can I do alone?”. So I do what is expected a maybe a bit more and everyone acts like I hung the moon. Its funny. If they knew what I was really capable of I guess they would have a heart attack and die but I’ll hold off on doing that. I’m trying to make this radio thing work for me..Well, gotta run and get ready for work!

Yeah, so I pretty much have a general disgust for people right now. Not everyone but most people. I just look at so many people and its like they are speaking another language. Do they not know whats going on? Can they not see? I know I sound crazy but I feel like the eyeglasses of life have been removed and I can see things for how they are. So many people do not want to accept their feelings, their lives, the truth and it makes me sick. I used to be able to smile and get past that but it is something that makes me ill right now. Sometimes I just want to scream, scream loudly. Maybe that will make me feel better. I sometimes feel crazy like a caged animal and can’t explain it. I really hope that I get through whatever it is this is. I just want to be left alone, yo uknow, Get back down to the basics of life and strt rebuilding. I saw the ex, Justin a few days ago. He gave me a book to look at for work to help me with my training ideas. He couldn’t even look at me. He pretty much threw the book at me and walked away. It was sad for both of us I think. I haven’t told anyone about it because we don’t need to be in contact and I am not in the mood to be preached at right now. He noticed that I have lost lots of weight. Not that it means much but he noticed. Ughh, anyway, not going down that road again. I was stupid to do it the first time.

So I am having a hard time concentrating these days. My best friend/future wife Shannon tells me that I am going into whatever kind of funk she recently escaped from. I have no motivation with regard to work or much else - sorta of feeling zombie like for the most part. Its not to say that I depressed but I just feel weird. Thats as best as I can describe it. I want to hang out with people but I am not satisfied with my current options..Thats too funny. As far as things go with th efrat boy, he is just plain ole weird and I am really thinking those feelings have about run their course. I hung out with him yesterday and realized that I don’t like the way that he responds to his emotional issues. He is sort of spastic and childlike…NOT in a good way and he is way to passive aggresive for my liking. I think I’m overdue for meeting people like I did back in the college days. It was so much easier then, perhaps because our “walls” were not so high. Who knows..? All I know is that I miss having someone close by to call up and go out hang out with comfortably, with nothing to hide. Everyone here is someone that I have either wanted to sleep with, have slept with or they want to sleep with me and all of that gets in the way of a truly relaxing, good time. Thats usually why I am friends with girls and not guys but for some reason have alot of guy friends at the moment. I MISS my girls!! Anyways..I had my first radio broadcast yesterday and it looks like this could lead to some good things for me. I am now trying to focus on getting the show off the ground and promoting it as best as I can. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best because I am really suited for entertaining people and hope that can get me a real gig somewhere down the line. Well, I better get ready for the gym, its gonna be a busy day.

So, I am pretty well known for not answering my phone these days yet people still repeatedly call me. I was told yesterday that this specific person was “losing faith” in me. I just don’t get it. Why do I have to be the one that everyone wants to turn to for fun and conversation? I need alone time too and I am sure letting everyone know about it. My best friend said it best when she says she doesn’t let just anyone in. Its safer that way. There are just too many leeching freaks out there! The funny thing is that one of the few people that I actually wanna hear from can’t seem to call me. He can email me until his fingers fall off but he can’t seem to pick up the phone. Who knows? I’ve pretty much given up on that one anyways plu sit looks like an acquiantnace of mine may be dating him anyways. Not sure but the similarities are there in the description of who he is dating. Thing is he doesn’t know that I know he is dating (b/c he has a boyfriend) and I am hearing random bits and pieces of this from another friend..Wierd, I know..sounds a lot like high school. Oh well…whatever..hmm, WHATEVER, that’s pretty much how I feel towards everything right now. Ughh,Bye.

Its way to early to be blogging. I think I have a problem. Must seek help. Nah, this blogging thing is the least of my problems. Actually, for the most part, things are quite settled in my life. I have an extra income, a healthy (some would disagree) sex life, a few godo people to hang out with and my health. I haven’t updated you on the happenings with the random straight roomie. It coudl just be my wishful thinking but I think he is dropping hints that he wants to explore the “other side”. He has been asking me to rub his back and always tells me when he is horny and needs his dick sucked. Also, lately he has been referring to me as “Honey” and calling me way more than any straight guy should. Too bad for him that I see an extra $350 a month more important that his possibly tasty cock. I have struggled with being good because I am an overly sexual person and often use that to express myself. When I think about making a comment I think about the extra money and also the fact that he is so cocky that he would think “Of course he wants to blow me. I’m gorgeous!”. So, I’ll play good for now, besides he really has no clue as to the things I have seen or done. I do admit that I play the role of “less enlightened southern boy” to him just to stay a step ahead of the game. Sometimes I’ll “Oooh and Ahh” at his ridiculous stories and act like I am slightly impressed while at other times I enjoy smacking his ego down. I’m a sick, sick person. I must admit though, when it happens (as I am sure it may one day) it is ON!!!